Vulnerable

The rain is pounding on the roof and the wind won’t stop howling. I’m looking at the movie, but really watching him. I wonder what would happen if I actually told him what I thought. I play the scene out in my head, about six different ways, and each of them ends in catastrophe. So I say nothing. When he looks at me I smile and look back at the movie.

Of course I wasn’t watching you, how odd would that be?

I don’t know why I keep pretending my heart’s not already out there. Available and free for the taking. And I still don’t know what I’m so afraid of. Well, yes I do. But I have to maintain a sense of composure, a sense of dignity. Damnit I have my pride! And my pride is best maintained with silence. A fortress, if you will, of solitude.

Besides all that, I already know the conclusion. I remember saying I had no expectations. This is still true, but in my mind, sometimes, everything plays out differently. I am just not sure what to do with the pieces of me. Not sure where to put them or how to place them correctly. A long time ago, I thought I knew my heart. But now, there are all of these gaps and open spaces. The light shines through and gives away the frailty of what I’m working with. I think all of the pieces are still there, but I just can’t quite figure out how I’m put together. So for now, I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut, and watch this stupid movie.

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